


Heart made of glass, My mind of stone

by ImpulseisLost



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Siblings, Clockwork!Felix, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i started with one concept then switched half way through and rolled with it, it just doesnt matter, minho's cats werent a character and i am offended, spoiler - Freeform, there is technically a relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 14:03:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20437235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImpulseisLost/pseuds/ImpulseisLost
Summary: Felix isn't the one that's wrong here. No, that's Chris





	Heart made of glass, My mind of stone

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from Billie Eillish and Dj Khalid's Lovely (thanks nashi for informing me i got my son wrong)

Soft ticks echoed in his ears, combining with the clicks of his tools in the clockwork he was working on. The toy had stopped working sometime in the early morning and the lack of its presence set him on edge.

It was late now, sometime between the witching hour and break of dawn. And if anyone saw him up now, they'd have his head. He knees that they all thought he should rest.

But if he rested, he'd miss the mouse.

He paused, setting the toy and tools down to stretch. A quiet sigh escaped his lips as he leant back, looking at the clockwork spread over the white cloth. Soft ticking around him as another clockwork creature jumped onto the table, keeping clear of the white cloth.

The cat's gear ticked softly, kept safe from wandering hands by a delicate metal chassis. It had been his first creation, his favourite really. The boy loved all his creations but the cat was his favourite.

Minho had named it Sooniewhen he'd asked for a name and littered him with praises. Like he needed them.

He smiled, raising a hand to stroke the cat's head.

"I'll fix your buddy soon." He promised gently, sitting forward to pick up his tools again. His voice was quiet, slightly hoarse and scratchy from disuse. The cat lay down, resting its head on its paws.

The soft ticking and quiet clicking filled the room again as he started to reconstruct the mouse. His fingers started with the legs, clicking gears together and beginning to take shape.

He smiled as he did, the sound of the gears coming together make him smile. Clockwork was where he felt safe. He smiled numbly at the thought. It was odd to say that he felt safest with cogs, gears and moving parts. He knew for sure that's not how the other's felt.

They weren't as comfortable as him around Soonie and his creations.

Weren't always comfortable around him. 

As he worked, more and more of his creations joined him; Doongie, Dori, the squirrel he'd made for Jisung. All of them. They settled around him, watching him. He barely noticed.

The soft ticking got louder, more disjointed the more clockwork there was in the room.

tick,

tick,

tick,

"Felix?"

Felix looked up, fingers holding the last gear millimetres above the mouse's nearly finished body to stare in surprise. It was dark, save for where he was working. The desk light on the table made it hard for him to see who was in the doorway opposite him.

"Felix, Love, it's 3 AM. What could you possibly be doing at this hour?" He blinked, glancing down to push the gear into place with a slight frown. He didn't respond for a moment until a cleared throat prompted him to.

"...well, _not _sleeping, obviously." There was a sigh before someone sat on the opposite side of the table. One of the clockwork cats, Dori, jumped up to saunter over and onto the other man's shoulders. 

From the angle he now sat, Felix could tell who it was from the way the light now bounced off his face. Minho stared back at him, something pooling in his eyes that Felix couldn't understand. He avoided the elder's eyes, picking up a piece of the chassis and gently placing the mouse's interior clockwork into it.

"...What's keeping you up?" Felix didn't answer, instead spinning one of the gears in the Mouse's body gently to get it started up. A moment passed before it started moving properly. Felix smiled, placing the last piece of the chassis and clicking it into space carefully.

Minho reached over to touch his arm, bringing his attention back to the man in question, "You ever going to answer me?" He asked quietly, removing his hand to let Felix place the mouse down.

He shook his head, setting the mouse down in its upright position and holding his breath. Minho sighed, leaning back in his chair and watching the boy again. The mouse twitched, then skittered to a different part of the table, the tick of its gears joining the rest.

A pause followed.

"How did you know I was awake?" Minho glanced up to where Felix was packing up his tools carefully before he shrugged.

"Your clockwork creatures tend to flock around you when you're working. The rest of the apartment was too quiet." Another pause then, "Jisung tells me you've been avoiding him. Mind telling me why?"

Felix froze. A moment passed then another before he jerked his head up to stare at Minho. A moment passed before a small, unnatural, squeak passed his lips. The elder frowned, reaching over to run a hand gently over the decorated metal of Dori's Chassis.

"Is it to do with our last mission? Felix swallowed, breath shakey as he looked away. Memories of the day in question filled his mind and he---

_Broken gears, not being able to move. Jisung's body on the ground nearby. Wounds in the shape of his hands. Of his gears. _

_Blood on his gears. Not being able to move, someone else in control. Woojin and Changbin literally holding him down. _

_He couldn't say anything, he couldn't do anything. A scream of anger escaped his lips, scratchy. Gears had broken in there as well. It wasn't him._

_He wanted them to know. It wasn't him. _

_Whispers filled the air around him. Someone was hovering over Jisung. Hyunjin?_

_A sharp tug in his leg. The feeling of his gears breaking again. He screamed, this time pain-filled as his leg was forcibly removed._

_"Minho!" Someone called out. Soft hands at his forehead, a whispered apology as those same hands ran through his hair. The feeling of the gears in his other le breaking. His body being taken apart by rough hands. Tears that weren't in his control leaking out his eyes._

_Minho's apology as someone in his field of view, Chris, started on his arms. Minho's apology as His arms were taken from him. Until he was just lying there with his head in Minho's lap. With his lover's hands running through his hair, whispering apologies until he blacked out._

He gasped sharply, pushing himself away from the table with a sharp noise. The sharp noise of metal claws echoed landing on wooden floors as Soonie jumped from the table. Felix's fingers shook as he took a step back.

"I... I can't. I hurt him. I don't..." He gasped out fingers digging into his thighs, to where the gears that ran throughout his body turned just below the skin. The gears that kept him alive, just like his beloved clockwork creations.

Except he wasn't his own clockwork creation, he held no love for these gears. Not even Chris, his creator held love for these gears. He couldn't after what had happened. 

Minho stood up, holding his hands up as he maneuvered around the table. Felix took another step back from him before he paused.

"It wasn't your fault Love. None of us knew they were going to have someone who could do that to you. No one knew there was a ferrokinetic on their side." He soothed gently, before opening his arms to Felix, "Don't shut us out over something you can't control Baby. Please."

Felix hesitated, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Still, it would've been his blood on my hands if he had died. You don't understand what it was like hyung. I knew what I was doing, I was conscious while fuck knows who had me. I was conscious and I couldn't do anything. He was screaming at me to stop hyung."

A sob escaped his lips, as Felix finally allowed himself to cry. As he sunk to the floor.

"I couldn't live with myself if he had died." Minho dropped to the floor, maneuvering himself over and wrapping his arms around the clockwork boy. He relaxed into Minho's arms, tears soaking into his shirt as soft fingers moved to run through his hair.

"But he didn't. He's alive, he's still with us. Hyunjin fixed him up, Baby." Minho whispered to the crying boy in his arms. His fingers kept brushing through the blonde strands of hair, even as he leant down to kiss the boy's head.

"I can't lose any more of my humanity hyung. I don't ha- Don't have enough to begin with."

Soft ticks echoed through the room as Soonie padded over, nestling its head into Minho's laps. The clockwork animals had always been perceptive of Felix's emotions.

Minho kissed his head again before he replied. "And you won't a baby. Hyung won't let you. Hyung knows how hard this is for you." 

More sobs echoed through the air.

"It's not fair. I'm not going to get to grow old wi- with any of you. I'm stuck like this. I.. I..." Minho tilted Felix's head up.

"Listen to me. Even if you don't change, nothing changes between us alright. Even if I'm old and crippled, I promise I'll still love you. We'll still love you." 

Clockwork ticked around their house, Felix's creations intertwining themselves through people's legs and tripping people up. Felix himself stood at the balcony, gazing over the flying city with a frown.

There was clockwork in this city's veins, just like there was clockwork in his. Engineers worked day and night to keep the clockwork in the city running. The city was a technological marvel in this age. And that was even compared to Venice.

Felix smiled grimly at the thought, resting his arms on the railing and looking over the sky. Wind rustled through his hair, the sound joining the soft ticking of his clockwork.

Years ago, back when he hadn't been clockwork, Felix had wondered how the pretty clockwork dolls he'd seen through shop windows felt. Were they alive? Did they breathe? 

He knew better now.

Felix was avoiding his lovers and as much as he knew it was futile, he didn't want to see them still. His break down in Minho's arms rang fresh in his mind. Clockwork didn't feel. Clockwork wasn't meant to have emotions. He was meant to be a cold unfeeling doll. Just like the ones in the windows of the shop windows from years ago.

His fingers curled around the cool wood as he stared blankly at the cloud. His legs were starting to feel stiff, still not a hundred percent. Still not talking to JIsung.

Slowly beginning to avoid the rest of his family. 

It would be easier if they all treated him like one of the clockwork dolls. That was all he pretty much was, a clockwork doll with a mind and a heart. But he knew they never would do that to him. Minho and Hyunjin were too deeply embedded in his heart for him to let them go while the others treated him just as they would treat any other human.

All save Chris. His 'creator', the one who saved him. His brother. 

Reasonably speaking Chris probably had the most reason to think he wasn't a doll. But... He was the only one who seemed to treat him like one. He never answered Felix unless it was necessary and ignored him until it was necessary or his clockwork needed repairs.

It made it easier to distance himself at last.

Pale arms wrapped around his waist and a chin was placed in his hair. Soft lips placed kisses in his hair for a moment before Hyunjin's hand came to rest on his own, the polished wooden railing still resting beneath Felix's.

"Found you, baby." The elder murmured into his hair. Felix chose not to dignify that with a response. The only one he could think of would either confirm Hyunjin's worries or confirm his own. 

There was a quiet hum.

"Chris says he's been looking for you. And I've noticed you've stopped talking to hyung today. You alright Lixie?" He hummed again, enjoying the way Hyunjin pressed his lips against his hair.

"He probably just wants to do more repairs honestly." Felix murmured after a moment, moving his hand to link fingers with the elder, "I don't want to see him right now." Hyunjin's fingers squeezed Felix's gently, the soft flesh pressing against the covering of his chassis.

"He wants to help you, Felix. Give him a chance to act like a brother perhaps?" 

Felix sighed, leaning back into his Boyfriend's chest. 

"Maybe. When's Minho getting back?" He mumbled in an attempt to change the subject. He felt the vibrations of Hyunjin's laugh echo through his clockwork.

"Soon, why?"

"Can't I want cuddles from both my partners without getting attacked? Honestly, what has the world come to?" Again, Hyunjin was laughing.

_The Airship ride was smooth, almost the smoothest Felix had ever been on. The blimp was the first of it's kind, running a combination of Clockwork, steam and a magic gas instead of one of the three like most others. Honestly, He was a little sceptic about it. _

_Wouldn't that be dangerous?_

_Either way, he was only here for his mother. His mother was terrified of these sorts of things after all. _

_So he was here, hands laced with his mother's as her fingers twisted in the fabric of her skirts. The ruffled fabric cut off above her knees in the front, clearly allowing Felix to see how much she was shaking._

_"If it wasn't necessary to use these to travel between Seoul and Sydney, Felix, I wouldn't be on here. But your father's still..." He understood, his father had been in the city ever since he was 14 on work. And the two years without his father had been stressful for him in a way._

_The boy nodded in response, letting his eyes watch the clouds pass with a frown. They were beginning to descend, and he could see the landing zone for the blimp now. Home soon._

_A quiet ticking noise filled the air, the first Felix had heard on this trip. He paused, looking around in curiosity. The rest of the ride had been quiet save for now. It was weird. The ticking got louder. Then._

_Everything went white._

Felix woke up with a jerk, throwing himself out of the bed in a rush. He hit the ground with a thump and a loud gasp. His hands rose to his chest, then to his neck before moving again. It was okay, it was just a dream. He was alive. He was still here.

A quiet snore echoed through the room as he pushed himself up. As he checked his bed he sighed in relief. Minho and Hyunjin were still crashed out thank god. 

He watched the pair for a moment, his heart aching, before he turned to creep out of the bedroom. The door opened and a clockwork cat was instantly by his feet.

Felix sighed, running his hands through his hair as he stepped through the quiet apartment and over to the Balcony again. The cat wound between his legs as he leant on the railing once more.

As he found himself watching dimly lit clouds.

"You're hiding from everyone." Chris sounded strangely worried as he crept over to the clockwork boy. Felix raised an eyebrow at him, turning to watch as his brother stepped onto the balcony to stand beside him.

The man's curls were unruly like he'd been up all night in his workshop, or had just woken up. Felix was willing to bet it was the former. 

"Are you alright Felix?"

He froze, peering at the man. Had he just heard that right?

"What does it matter to you?" Chris sighed, leaning his head over the railings with a frown.

"I'm your brother, I'm meant to care." He replied ina gentle tone. Felix scoffed, clenching his fingers to grip at the railings. The ticking got louder.

"If pulling me apart is you caring, you have a funny way of showing it." Felix murmured in a cold tone. Chris flinched, looking clearly regretful at the action. Felix narrowed his eyes, confused at the actions but he didn't have any time to unpack what it could mean. 

_Tick_

_Tick_

_Tick_

_Clink_

Something in Chris's pocket clinked as he pulled it out of his trouser pocket. Felix stared at him, a frown on his face. Slowly, the elder opened his hand, showing Felix the golden locket in his hand.

One of their last memories of their mother.

"It's hard to love you, Felix," He started, threading his fingers through the chain before he continued, "You want to be loved, but you think - Want even - Everyone hates you. You want to be human, but you force everyone around you to treat you like a doll." Chris paused, clenching his fist around the locket and tucking it away.

"You want someone to be close to, someone to love you. But you don't want me. You don't want my love. You get mad at me for loving you, then get mad at me for treating you as you want me to treat you. I'm not a mind reader Felix. I can't tell what you want from me." Felix flinched at the words, lips open to deny them. Chris was wrong, he was wrong.

He loved Chris, Chris didn't love him back.

Chris was the person in the wrong here. Felix knew it.

There was a sigh, before Chris leaned on the railing, eyes closing, "I know you want someone to blame for Mother's death. For how you are. But don't blame me. I couldn't save her, God knows I tried. I tried to save you as well, and I didn't want you to be this either. Please... Don't shut me out. I can't lose you as well."

There were tears in his brother's eyes. Felix didn't want to agree with it. He wasn't the one shutting Chris out... Was he?

He thought back to it, to every time Chris had tried to initiate a conversation with him. To the way Felix had always blown him off, avoided him, ever since the crash. How he had cursed Chris for his mother's death and for his clockwork body.

... To the way he had forced Chris to act around him.

Chris had his hands risen to his eyes, hiding them from Felix in a way he never used to. What did he do? He wasn't sure how to comfort Chris anymore.

He ran.

Minho and Hyunjin found him several hours later, curled in an alleyway somewhere in the city. They didn't talk, just sat next to him and offered him some warmth.

Half an hour passed that way, no questions asked, until Hyunjin stood and pulled Felix to his feet. 

"Let's get you home baby. Dori's missing you, I bet." That earnt a slightly displeased noise from Minho, but Felix nodded anyway, letting himself be lead out the alley and onto the busy streets. men and women drifted around him without him noticing

He misses the way Hyunjin presses his lips against his temple and the way Minho's arm is wrapped around his waist. 

He missed the way that, when he was pulled into their home, the clockwork creatures swarmed them and the way Minho reached over to kiss Hyujin quickly.

He didn't miss the way Chris froze when he came in the room. How he quickly left. It was almost like the events from hours earlier had been a dream.

Yes of course. He wasn't the one hurting Chris. That wasn't him.

No one else looked at him when they entered the room. Not even as he was lead to his room. And that was fine, he could care less. 

He was tired anyway

_"Felix. We need to talk. I think, you need to change the way you treat Chris hyung. Not just Chris, all of us actually." There was a flinch, but Minho knew he couldn't watch they way Felix treated everyone anymore._

_They were people. Not clockwork._

**Author's Note:**

> ok so wew
> 
> orginally this was a prompt that became clockwork felix, then magic got involved which i mentioned all of once. also it switched to felix not being at fault, to it's all felix's fault and i dont know why so yea :D 
> 
> fair warning i went over this once with grammarly bc im kinda lay so if there's anything outstandinly wrong lemme know, cheers chief <3
> 
> my tumblr, where i post about shit and occasionally updates about my writing: impulseislost


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